Greif & families.

So it's been a while since my last post.
Not a lot has changed, to be honest.
People are angry-which is how it's always been, it's just that now it's worse.
No ones really talking to anyone. When we do talk, it's about anything other than my grandpa.
I think it's safe to say that I'm heart broken. Not something you get over, over night.
People keep asking me questions & they expect standard answers. Why is it that 99% of people who ask how you are, actually don't care? They don't really want to know. It's protocol.  "Hi, how are you?" Then naturally,  you give the standard "I'm fine", with a big smile on your face. Without them even having noticed the mask you're wearing, they reply "Great!". What is that?
I have a very close group of people around me. Not all of whom I can open up to, without risk of them getting me committed, however!
I'm very lucky. This I know.

I went to the first family party since my grandpas passing, yesterday.  It was his wee brothers 80th birthday.
As standard, no one talks to anyone anyway, but literally no one talks to me. AWKWARD.
So I almost didn't go, but a friend of my mums was invited, so I sat with her.
My mum can't sit at these type of things, I think they depress her. She spent the day organising everything & forcing conversation out of rude relatives.
Now, I haven't seen these people since February & not one of them asked how I was. I mean, I didn't expect it, well I suppose part of me probably did. I think that's where I went wrong.

I have decided it's time for greif counselling. Everything I do or say, reminds me how sad I am. I can't clap my cat, without seeing my grandpa do it clumsily,  with his shaking hand. Wee old men on the street, reduce me to tears simply because the have a cap on. Elderly couples holding hands can set me back days.
I also have a cry in the shower, pretty much on a daily basis. It's become part of my routine.
How depressing.  Not depressed though.
I know what's going on & what I have to do to fix it.

I am forever a changed woman.