Greif & families.

So it's been a while since my last post.
Not a lot has changed, to be honest.
People are angry-which is how it's always been, it's just that now it's worse.
No ones really talking to anyone. When we do talk, it's about anything other than my grandpa.
I think it's safe to say that I'm heart broken. Not something you get over, over night.
People keep asking me questions & they expect standard answers. Why is it that 99% of people who ask how you are, actually don't care? They don't really want to know. It's protocol.  "Hi, how are you?" Then naturally,  you give the standard "I'm fine", with a big smile on your face. Without them even having noticed the mask you're wearing, they reply "Great!". What is that?
I have a very close group of people around me. Not all of whom I can open up to, without risk of them getting me committed, however!
I'm very lucky. This I know.

I went to the first family party since my grandpas passing, yesterday.  It was his wee brothers 80th birthday.
As standard, no one talks to anyone anyway, but literally no one talks to me. AWKWARD.
So I almost didn't go, but a friend of my mums was invited, so I sat with her.
My mum can't sit at these type of things, I think they depress her. She spent the day organising everything & forcing conversation out of rude relatives.
Now, I haven't seen these people since February & not one of them asked how I was. I mean, I didn't expect it, well I suppose part of me probably did. I think that's where I went wrong.

I have decided it's time for greif counselling. Everything I do or say, reminds me how sad I am. I can't clap my cat, without seeing my grandpa do it clumsily,  with his shaking hand. Wee old men on the street, reduce me to tears simply because the have a cap on. Elderly couples holding hands can set me back days.
I also have a cry in the shower, pretty much on a daily basis. It's become part of my routine.
How depressing.  Not depressed though.
I know what's going on & what I have to do to fix it.

I am forever a changed woman.

HELP!!

So, this weekends behavior has led me to believe that I might be losing the plot ever so slightly. However, my better judgement has kicked in & tells me that it's probably grief & now that I've stepped back form everyone else, a month & a half later, it's my turn.

My general lack of get up & go, or want to socialise, is something out of the ordinary. I have to admit, that it's not something new, but maybe been going on for a while.

I think I ate Friday to Sunday. Just ate the days away. I cried too. Didn't get dressed either. Mainly because of a picture I have in my brain. A not too nice one, which I thought I'd tucked away somewhere in the back, along with the monster under the red desk I had a kid & the poster of the witch from Snow White. Turns out that I might have been dealing with other things, so didn't have the time to process what I'd seen, let alone what happened.

So from a trusty Google search, I've learned that there are 5-7 stages of grief. If Google says so, it must be right. Right?

Stage 1; Shock & denial. I think both of these are a given. The time that led up to my grandpas passing, was a total of 2 weeks. He went form being fine, to a wee bit poorly, to the second time we were called in to say it was time, faster than anything I've ever experienced in my life. Even during visits, I told myself that he was just sleeping & it would be fine. Now, my struggle is with the empty chair & in my brain, I'm thinking that he's upstairs & will be down any second. 

Stage 2; Pain & guilt. I'm not even gonna sugar coat this one. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed. All day, every day. The guilt side, as ridiculous as it is, why didn't I know? Why couldn't I make it better.

Stage 3; Anger. I have a pretty bad temper at the best of times, but at the moment I wanna punch everyone. Everything is annoying me. Sweeping comment's are annoying me. I feel as if I'm gonna go all cartoon stylee & smoke is actually going to come out of my ears. People acting like everything's 'normal'. is driving me insane! On the same note, the lack of normality is also driving me mental!

Stage 4; "Depression". I am sad to the point of forcing a smile. I don't want to do anything, except eat & drink coffee. I work 4 hours a day & sometimes don't start until 1PM. I'm still dragging my ass out of bed. I'm tired all the time. I've stopped ironing things & it doesn't bother me. I'm pretending nothing's wrong when I'm asked how I am. I'm fine.

Stage 5; The upward turn. I think & hope that this right here is the start of it. I know my behavior can't carry on as it is.

Stage 6; Reconstruction & working through. I guess I'll have to wait & see how this one pans out. It would appear that I have to become more 'functional'...

Stage 7; Acceptance & hope. I need to deal with what's happened. So, for those of you who are & have been close by through the whole thing, looks like manic Karen might be around for a bit yet! YAY!!

This is the first time I've lost a loved one. I know how lucky I am to have made it to 30 & just be experiencing this, for the first time. I know this, because people feel the need to tell me, many times.

The positive I've chosen to take from it, is seeing everything clearly for the first time. Stepping back & looking into situations. I already feel stronger. I'm learning to say no. I'm enjoying my own company, maybe a bit too much, but hey ho! There's been a conscious shift in my being & I can feel it lighting a fire.

Nobody can tell you how to grieve. I now know that there's no time scale. I know things are going to get better. They have to! :)